I Don't Have Time to Write This Article

 

One of my favorite game series in the last few years has been the Persona series. I'm a sucker for turn-based RPGs and Persona rings a lot of the bells I've learned to love over the years. Capturing demons and learning their advantages and weaknesses has a lot of overlap with Pokémon, the social link system is similar to the support conversations in Fire Emblem, and the calendar system adds a layer of strategy and optimization that I really enjoy engaging with. It's funny how much I enjoy the time management aspects of Persona given that in real life, time management is my Achilles' Heel.

Growing up, I was one of those kids who was doing stuff constantly. In high school I was on the speech and debate team, in choir and musical theater, competing on the academic team, and was deeply involved in functions at my church as both a bus monitor for our church bus program as well as teaching Sunday School. In college I typically took more than the recommended number of course hours while also being involved in theater productions and leading the university's improv club, as well as my community service responsibilities for my scholarship, being a member of a Bible study group, plus maintaining a true social life for the first time. Spinning too many plates is so key to my sense of self that this year I decided I wasn't doing enough things, which led to me taking on working out, therapy, joining a tabletop campaign at my local game store, signing up for a self-guided SQL course, and joining my local branch of the DSA. And when that wasn't enough, I figured "what the hell, let's start blogging again too!" 

Just like in the world of Persona, there are more things I want to be doing than there is time to do all of them. Figuring out how to make the most of my time and how to divide my responsibilities and desires is a skill I am figuring out as I go. At the beginning of this year, I kind of went too hard and overextended myself. I was going to the gym literally every day for between 60-90 minutes, and on days where I had a tabletop session or a DSA meeting, that meant I wasn't coming home at all until 9 or 10 PM at night. Which meant that my child didn't see me at all multiple days out of the week, and my partner had to carry that responsibility all on their own. It required us to regroup and figure out how to make everything more sustainable.

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In Persona, one thing that makes time management a bit more manageable is the way in which every task points back at the core mechanic of the game: combat. Activities that raise your social stats unlock the ability to progress social links, which make your personas stronger and, in Persona 5, also unlock essential skills for exploration and fighting. Working gives you money that you can use to purchase equipment for your characters or consumables to restore your energy during exploration. Some activities give permanent boosts to important stats like HP or SP, or have more unique benefits like making the baton pass more powerful in Persona 5 Royal. All of the different things you do are designed to point back on the most essential gameplay element - everything is useful, so really your decisions about time management are just about prioritizing which useful task you want to take on. Tasks that satisfy multiple needs at once - like getting you an item and a social link boost, or money and a personality increase - are even more efficient and can be used to make the most of your time.

Sometimes I am able to figure out these kinds of efficiencies in real life to make the whole challenge of juggling my interests more manageable. Taking my kid to the park is a way to get exercise while also spending time with my family. I can cook dinner while listening to a DSA meeting virtually. Finding books that I want to read on audiobook allows me to read while driving or working. Like a speedrunner, I love discovering these little optimizations that help me find ways to do more things. But just like in Persona, annoying mandatory story beats sometimes get in the way of doing what I want to do. Last night I spent multiple hours trying to deal with a maintenance problem at my apartment which took away time I could have spent writing an article or working through a SQL lesson or two; it's like the scenes in Persona when the whole class goes on a school trip, and instead of getting to increase your stats or battle demons you have to watch a cliché scene about the boys accidentally peeking on the girls at the bathhouse or whatever. 

Inevitably, doing so many things means I have to make decisions about prioritization. I'm not as involved in any of my various endeavors as I want to be. I'd love to post an article every day, but these usually take me a couple of hours to write, depending on the length and the level of editing and research I put into any given piece. I'd love to be more involved with DSA but meetings and canvassing efforts tend to take up at least two hours by the time you factor in travel, and they typically happen on days where I have already been working all day. I desperately want to be GMing my own TTRPG campaign, but it feels like a low priority given everything else I am doing plus the amount of time it would take to find players who are actually interested. The time I am sitting here writing this article is time that I should be using to cook dinner, or instead of doing either of those things I could have done some SQL lessons or started reading the book that's been sitting unopened in my laptop bag for months.

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Something I am trying to work on is learning not to judge or second guess myself so much. Typically when I make a choice about how to use my time, that choice is accompanied by guilt over the choice I didn't make. The part of my brain that's conditioned by a capitalistic, production-oriented worldview values certain actions over others based on how "useful" they are. The same brain that finds so much joy in optimizing a Persona playthrough becomes a liability when trying to manage time in real life. I could have gone to a DSA meeting tonight and done something that's more useful for the world than writing this article. Or I could have done some SQL lessons and learned skills with practical application for my day job, which makes me money to pay rent and buy food. What I am learning to recognize is the importance of something that Persona (at least post Persona 3) never really takes into account: the need to rest. Expressing myself creatively may not be as "productive" of a need to satisfy, but it's important for maintaining my mental and spiritual energy so I can do the other things I want to do in my life. TTRPG campaigns may not give me job skills or money, but social connection with other people makes me want to be alive, and that's a pretty damn important need to take care of.

I'm learning both to be okay with my desire for activity and achievement as well as the inability to do it all. My desire to do so many activities is driven by curiosity and passion. The choices I make about which activities to prioritize are directed by recognition of what I need in the moment, and what I can do to satisfy that need. I won't always make the perfect choice, or the most efficient choice. But by caring for all aspects of myself and not just the ones that are the most "useful," I rebuild the energy and motivation to take on the tasks that are difficult but important.

...that said, I probably should go make dinner now. 😅

The Return of Adventure Rules

In August of 2015, I started a video game blog called Adventure Rules. I began it originally as a video game parody news site (think Palette Swap but not nearly as good) that over time transitioned into a blog featuring video game and tabletop game reviews, guides, and essays. I posted on that blog - sometimes a little, sometimes a lot - throughout the next decade. In 2025, I exported all of my articles and deleted the site. It was a decision driven by a number of factors. I had barely posted at all over the course of the previous year yet was paying for a custom domain and ad-free experience. I had a lot of articles built up over a decade of posting that I wanted to remove from the internet, either because my perspective had changed or the articles included references to elements of my personal life that had changed. And I was in the throes of a depressive episode during which I was particularly defeatist, destructive, and hopeless. Despite this last factor, I don't regret deleting Adventure Rules; it truly had grown into an artifact of an old life to which I was desperately clinging. Letting go was an important step. But now that the dust has settled and I've had a lot of time to reflect on the reasons why I wanted it gone, I recognize that the practice of blogging itself is something that could still bring joy, reflection and connection into my life.

Enter: the Adventure Journal.

My original blog was named after the in-game player's manual in Pokémon. The joke was that it was a tutorial of sorts for real life; even as the site changed, I kept the name because the idea of a guide still made sense, transitioning from a satirical guide on real-life problems to a practical guide on what games to buy and how to beat them. This new blog I've decided to stick to a similar theme, but adjust to new circumstances and a new vision. The Adventure Journal is frequently used in games to refer to the record of your character's adventures - in other words, your save file. You record the events of your adventure in the adventure journal so you don't lose your progress. In real life, the practice of journaling is not just about chronicling, but also reflection. Journaling encourages you to think about your experiences and work through them, exploring your thoughts and ideas through writing to reach greater understanding and realization.

These ideas power this new beginning in my blogging journey. The Adventure Journal is meant to be a place of reflection. It is more personal than Adventure Rules. It is about the ways that the stories we enjoy can serve as avenues to teach us about the world and ourselves. My first article, Paper Mario is a MAN, is a good example of the type of writing you can expect here.

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As far as why I would start blogging again after deleting an entire website already, the idea for the blog was planted during therapy. Journaling has been a really effective therapy technique for me - when I write down my frustrations, my anxieties, and the things that make me sad, I can reflect on them later and recognize the cognitive distortions in my thinking. During my most recent session, I recognized something about my relationship to journaling: I only do it when I'm upset. I've been using journaling as sort of a triage, a "break glass in case of emergency" measure to help me unpack and understand my most difficult moments. But there is value in reflecting on the good times and the neutral times, too. The trick is figuring out how to get my brain to want to journal and reflect outside of the context of using it to keep myself from spiraling.

The answer, for me, is blogging. It is the pill in the applesauce, a tool that appeals to my achievement-oriented, highly performative personality while also being a useful method of getting me to stop and think. I discover things in writing that I otherwise don't have the mental bandwidth or focus to think through. When I sit down to write an article, I come out the other side having a better understanding of the ideas that were half-formed in my head before I started. Journaling feels like homework, a chore to be done only when I really need it. But blogging is fun, and I do genuinely miss the routine of working on posts and having them go out into the world, and the external validation of having people read and enjoy them.

"Hey buddy, won't sharing your most personal and intimate thoughts for external validation just reinforce your tendency to use praise and achievement as a substitute for genuine self-regard?" What are you, my therapist? 

In all seriousness, I'm excited to jump back into the world of blogging. It is the form of writing I have enjoyed the most in my life, and while I definitely needed some time away, I think I'm ready to start again from a clean slate and to engage with this hobby in a way that feels better-suited to my current context. I hope you'll come along for the journey!

Paper Mario is a MAN

Paper Mario is a man. This is something that my favorite video game, Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door, deeply wants you to understand. Within the first ten minutes of the game, Mario rescues a woman from a horde of strangely-dressed assailants. He heroically defeats their leader with the power of his signature jump and hammer attacks. When Mario and the rescued maiden, Goombella, successfully escape, she thanks him with a kiss. This is the first of many kisses that Mario will receive, along with a deluge of praise from all sorts of characters throughout the game. Beldam the witch remarks on the manliness of Mario's mustache. Flurrie can't help but give him "a little sugar" for being such a delightful hunk of a man and returning her necklace. Toodles the Toad loves Mario's burly physique. The game's fascination with Mario's masculinity is on display in every chapter, and particularly in his interactions with the women of the Mushroom Kingdom.

But ya know...I never really noticed it before.

They say that every time you experience a story you notice something different about it. You bring to it the perspective of where you currently are in your life and the characters, the plot, and the themes all hit you in a way that is unique to that experience. I've played Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door from start to finish so many times in my life that I've lost count. But it was only during my current playthrough that I noticed - really noticed - just how much this game wants you to know: Mario is a capital M Man. A fight-winning, princess-rescuing, hottie-kissing, mustache-having pinnacle of masculinity. The kind of man that every man should want to be.

I think this aspect of the game stands out to me in this moment because of my own journey to unpack and understand what my gender really means to me. My feelings about manhood are complicated. The idea of aspiring to be like Mario - a sentence that sounds ridiculous even as I type it - is one that part of me sneers at. I see commercials for Manly Soap or Manly Water and roll my eyes. This doesn't represent me or what I want to be. But the idea of being a burly, heroic guy who gets a lot of attention from women...well, now that doesn't sound so bad. Except even admitting that brings up feelings of shame, because wanting that feels...shallow? Unevolved? Heteronormative? I don't fully understand what it is inside of me that recoils at the idea of achieving a more masculine self, while another part of me actively strives for it.

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At the beginning of this year I started two new endeavors: going to the gym and going to therapy. At the gym, I work to sculpt my body into a more masculine one. I used to say it was for health reasons but let's not kid ourselves here. I want to be fucking hot, and to me what that means is building and toning my muscles. Every morning I get up at 5:15 AM to do cardio, and twice a week I go lift weights after work. I've cut my meal portions, completely removed certain drinks and snacks from my diet, and I even started drinking protein shakes. What's happening to me? I make muscles at myself in the bathroom mirror hoping to see some definition in my biceps. If only I can make my body manlier, then it will be more desirable. Burly. Like Mario.

At therapy, I work to unpack the cognitive patterns that have led to me being depressed for the past seven years. A big part of that is understanding and addressing the stereotypically masculine ways I interact with the world. Poor communication and social skills, terrible personal hygiene and aesthetic self-care, hating my body because it isn't strong, needing to be successful and competent to feel loved - all these things are tied to the ways I was taught growing up that men are supposed to be. Men don't moisturize, we don't care about our wardrobe, we succeed at everything we do, and we definitely don't talk about our fucking feelings. Unless it's anger, of course. Anger we can feel.

There's something weird about both striving towards and away from masculinity at the same time. Trying to make my body more manly while breaking away from "manly" thought patterns and ways of being. I look at the work I do at the gym and part of me is proud of my progress - but part of me hates it. I think about the ways in which I don't want to be perceived as stereotypically masculine, and then a voice in my head questions why I'm judging half of the human experience. "I'm not that kind of guy." Like by distancing myself from one idea of masculinity I am somehow making myself smarter, elevated, superior.

Am I not a man at all? Or am I just trying to position myself as a better type of man? There are days I seriously consider soft-launching a transition to he/they pronouns, and others where I don't feel queer enough to take that step because the things I want for myself are ultimately some form of me striving for a perfected vision of manhood. It's not that I'm not a man - I just want to do it in a way that rises above criticism, a way that's praiseworthy and progressive. But no one is above criticism and no one embodies their ideals perfectly; interrogating everything I do to make sure I'm doing it the perfect way only sets me up for disappointment. Regardless of whether I decide I'm a man or nonbinary, there's no such thing as one single way to perfectly embody that gender.

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Something that's interesting in Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door is that we don't really get Mario's side of the story at all. He's the protagonist, yeah, but he's silent. We don't hear his voice, we don't get his internal monologue; we don't really get a full understanding of how he feels about being put in the box that others have created for him. Does Mario like when everyone calls him burly? When they praise his bushy mustache? Does he welcome the barrage of kisses? He certainly doesn't seem to welcome Flurrie's, and most of the time when Mario receives kisses his reaction is one of shock rather than one of obvious pleasure or excitement. Even in that there's another sort of masculine stereotype, the idea that there's no such thing as a kiss from a woman that a man wouldn't want. Other than these little glimpses, though, we don't ever really get to understand whether any part of him wants to push back against this masculine ideal he is meant to uphold.

This to me is what makes Paper Mario an interesting picture of masculinity to unpack. Most of his "masculine" qualities are things that other characters in the game ascribe to him, rather than things he claims for himself. And isn't that how it goes in real life? Each of us is our own unique person, but the world at large tries to fit our features and our behaviors into a neatly-organized box for them to make sense of. In my case, the times I buck the hardest against "man" as my gender are the times when the world makes assumptions about what I desire or care about because of it. When an advertisement assumes I must want to smell or look a particular way, or when another man wants to fraternize over annoying habits of our wives or mothers-in-law. I don't have an issue with masculinity itself - I take issue with being put in a box, with people using my gender as shorthand for a particular kind of very American masculinity that I don't align with at all. Does Mario feel the same, I wonder? Given the information we have to work with, the best we can do to get an idea of Mario's own perception of his masculinity is to compare his behaviors to those of other men in the game.

Earlier this week I finished chapter three, Of Glitz and Glory. This is perhaps the manliest chapter of the game, the one in which Mario fights his way to the top at a wrestling arena to become the champion and discover the truth behind the mystery of the missing arena fighters. The other men against whom Mario is pitted in this chapter, particularly Rawk Hawk and Grubba, demonstrate the ways in which masculinity can be harmful. Rawk Hawk is so obsessed with being the best that he cheats in the arena, going so far as to poison people or bribing security to sabotage their escort to the arena. Grubba is so attached to being young and muscular that he is willing to kill in the name of eternal youth. Mario overcomes both of these foes in trial by combat, of course, but what really sets him apart from either Rawk Hawk or Grubba is his motivation. Before this chapter we see him recovering Flurrie's necklace; after this chapter he helps Vivian to escape the abuse of her sisters. Assisting Koops in finding his dad, helping Jolene solve the mystery of her missing brother - what makes Mario's masculinity shine compared to that of the other Glitz Pit fighters is the way he uses his manly qualities to help others rather than serve his own vain desires.

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Mario's manliness manifesting as compassion is something that appeals to me more than his manliness being a result of his physique or his facial hair. Because for me, the moments that come closest to gender euphoria are the ones where the work I have been doing to make myself "more masculine" helps me to be a better father, uncle, husband, and friend. Sometimes getting better at those things require me to look inward and think about how I've been taught to be masculine in ways that need to be unpacked or reconfigured. Sometimes towards, sometimes away, with a final destination that right now I'm not sure where it's going to end up.

The thing about figuring out your gender is that there is no right answer. I'm a guy, I'm nonbinary - whichever place I land will be true to my own experience of existing in the world. Maybe my journey is one that will lead me to be more like Mario, focused on striving towards an idealized masculinity with an emphasis on helping others. Or maybe my path will lead me in a different direction, further and further away from manliness until I land in a new place entirely. Either way, I don't have to figure it out all at once, and I don't have to judge the journey.